Need to let go

Some people have told me that they know people who planned a wedding and got so frustrated with everything that they just eloped. I'm only three weeks in researching and visiting venues, but I am at that point.

I never imagined when I was younger that I'd elope instead of having a beautiful fall wedding with family and friends. I never imagined that I would have a wedding in an uncertain economic time and without friends and family around either. My childhood vision of a wedding took place in the fall with leaves changing and bright colors serving as the background. I think the reception may have been outside under a big white tent and rented hardwood floors too. That may be a little distorted considering this dream wedding took place on an estate somewhere on the East Coast (so it would be chilly). I didn't imagine getting married in California.

I know now that if I want some friends and family from the East Coast to be at my wedding, I need to change that girl's vision. Now that I am older my friends are older, too. Most are already married with children. Many can't take just any time off (including myself) because of work-related conflicts. I've "polled" folks and summer and early November work for others. November doesn't really work for me. And summer here will mean possibly getting married in a fog bank. But if I am not finding the leaves anyway, what is the point in sticking with autumn?

We had big plans. Or rather I had big plans and dreams. And they are getting smaller by the day. In fact, they look nothing like the wedding I even envisioned a few weeks ago. I'm torn between pleasing myself and pleasing others. Not even with the small stuff--with the time of year of the whole thing. I almost would say I don't want a wedding anymore.

The almost is key. I know I just need to let go of this mythical timeframe of when I want to get married and find the affordable place of my dreams. And let that decide our fate. Maybe it will be available when nobody else can make it. Maybe it will only be available on a weekday in August.

Hoping it is not all just trials

There seem to mostly trials in organizing a bi-coastal event with my family. I know it is pricey to fly to California and some people do not like to fly at all (it would take about five days by car). I am planning on a reception and small blessing ceremony of some sort in NJ over Thanksgiving weekend because I do know many of those on the East Coast that we plan to invite to the wedding will not be able to make it West. I hope those that do travel West make the trip into a nice vacation for themselves in addition to spending our big day with us. California is beautiful, and the fall can be one of the nicer times to visit.

Anyway, we are still bouncing around locations and even what month we'd like. Some new ideas I'm considering are a wedding/luncheon reception in SC, a wedding on a yacht in SF Bay during the day, a wedding and reception on a farm, and a wedding at a restaurant. I think at this point I am trying to get the most bang for our bucks while being happy with the location and date. And the more I keep searching for the ideal combination, the more nervous and frustrated I get. My vision of the Big Day continues to evolve with what I can afford, what I imagined it would look like, and what my fiancé wants. The proposed NJ plan will be much simpler. I would like a short Buddhist blessing (nothing long or "legal" since we'll already be married then) and a casual reception in my hometown church's hall, featuring Italian subs and pizza. :-)

There are few things I do know: I want a wedding. I don't want to just go to City Hall (even though the building is beautiful) because it is really one of the more economical ways to get married. I want there to be dancing. I don't really need a DJ or a band (although I think it would be cool to walk down the aisle to an instrumental version of Tom Petty's "Here Comes My Girl"); I just need an amp to hook the iPod to and maybe a microphone for announcements. I want cake. I am not a big fan of most flowers, but I like yellow and red hybrid tulips. I only need a few for a bouquet though. I will wear blue shoes (need to begin the search for those).

People keep saying to plan the day to please us not the people we invite. But it is a lot harder than I thought it would be. Things I didn't think would be a problem are. Like, what if we pick a date and place, and nobody can make it?

Rainy Day Wedding Site Scouting

We visited a few possible wedding sites in the rain this weekend. Comparing what each costs, provides, and lacks is getting confusing--even with a spreadsheet. I am growing less certain of what I think a wedding venue should look like.

After poor directions on Google maps to not one but TWO sites in the Santa Cruz Mountains, I was beginning to think that the mountains did not want us to hold our wedding there. But we are still looking at places. And the few that we have seen have been slightly different from each other, making the process even harder. None have the exact dates we originally hoped for either. So...

Location #1: hilltop with view, ceremony site on lawn, facing the back of the building and a fountain (it's nice). Cocktail reception on the front patio, where the DJ would be set up as well for dancing after dinner. Dinner served either on the back patio or inside the main room. Decent catering menu options. Beverage portion a little iffy: I would like pinot noir as an option but the more reasonably priced menu does not offer it. I would have to negotiate something. There is lodging on an adjacent property and there would be a two night minimum for 25 cabins. The cabins (we haven't seen them yet) are over $200 a night plus an additional fee for each person (this is for the meals that are included in the Weekend package). It sounds nice but I wonder if we could find cheaper digs in the area and just have a ceremony and reception there.

Location #2: small yard enclosed (in warmer weather) by blooming trees and flowers. A B&B in a neighborhood. We would need to rent the entire place for the event (it's not that big) and they either provide items as a part of the additional site fee or they recommend vendors. But basically, we can decide what we want to do. The redwood grove looked a bit small for our estimated number of guests so we are unsure if it would work out. The owners seem very accommodating though.

Location #3: We didn't see any of the rooms inside this B&B, but there are a few cottages that have hot tubs! Ocean view and nice but small lawn. There is a deck for the reception and dancing. The storm blew down the canopy so the area was a bit messy, but it had a nice feel to it. A garden setting. Music done by 6 pm but the town is within walking distance. They have quite a few rooms in different buildings and they are close to the ceremony site so guests with little ones can sneak away if need be. We'd have to rent the property (or rather guests of the wedding would) for Friday night and Saturday night but the prices include the B&B breakfasts on Saturday and Sunday.

Another location we were considering (Vignette Weddings) informed me that they are booked for 2010, so that made it easy to check them off the possible places. I'm playing phone tag with another place that for some reason won't tell me the available dates in the months I requested, which would make it easier for me to know if this is worth a visit. It's pretty frustrating. And considering the venue, I think it is a tad ironic.

They also request a minimum number of rentals of rooms on their property and considering the number of guests from within the Bay Area, we are unsure if we could meet that number. I am unsure how many East Coasters will actually make the trek to California for a wedding and reception here when in November I hope to have a small reception at my church in NJ as well. I want it so my elderly relatives and those who cannot afford to travel across the country can still see me in my dress. But that also makes it so I feel the need to provide extra value to those who did travel to California for the actual wedding. Is that extra value providing the opportunity to visit California by wedding here?

First Round of Review

We began our premature visits to possible locations for the wedding and reception this past weekend. Our first stop was Mountain Terrace in Woodside. It is a nice place with a large grassy area for a ceremony (and if the ceremony and reception took place in the early afternoon, the kids could run around out there). We didn't have a rough guest count so the coordinator there gave me a rough estimate of cost. The options here though would be a Sunday afternoon or a Friday evening in the fall since their Saturdays are booked until November.

Our second stop was to Thomas Fogarty Vineyard also in Woodside. We visited once before and enjoyed their wines so it was a refresher really. Unfortunately, after reviewing their wedding brochure we realized that while we liked the scenery and the wine, we can't afford to get married there. Bummer. The site rental, which doesn't include catering and you need to use their approved vendors, was $9,000 for a Saturday.


The last stop we "visited" was Hakone Gardens in Saratoga but it was ten minutes before closing and we didn't get to go in. I'm not sure if you can have evening events there either. But it looked nice on the website.

Next up: Tahoe, Sonoma, Santa Cruz.

...Something Blue

While we don't have a particular location in mind, we have agreed on a few items for the wedding. We want it to be outdoors, with mountains and/or trees nearby/as a backdrop, and the ceremony and reception in one location. I've decided to wear blue shoes under my wedding dress (neither of which I've begun looking for yet) and our "theme" colors are blue (sapphire is his birthstone) and green (emerald is mine). Accent colors are silver and gray. I plan on carrying a bouquet with peacock feathers in it (but I don't want it to look like a feather duster) and have the bridesmaids carry a single feather with a ribbon. Our reception centerpieces will be strings of folded cranes hanging off branches in vases. I plan on purchasing the foil origami paper today. One thousand cranes (for good luck) are a lot to fold! Even though we are looking toward a fall wedding, I better get crackin'.

Introduction: Recap

On November 11, 2009, boyfriend and I went to look at engagement rings. We only went to one place, Brilliant Earth, in San Francisco. I liked a few of their ring settings online. Boyfriend made the appointment and I tried on various settings in their antiquey collection. Some were beautiful but looked too much on my hand, others were just not my style. I wanted one similar to the ring my grandmother had: a solitaire with small side stones in the band. We decided on the Antique Nouveau with a knife edge, and I love it.

PICKY GIRL/BRUISED MALE EGO ALERT: The ring was ordered and picked up in time for a trip to Canada over Thanksgiving weekend. He "proposed" the night before, and I "accepted" but the next morning I decided I wasn't happy with the presentation of the ring. While I knew that it was coming eventually, and I had picked out the ring, the "proposal" was less exciting than the proposal to look at rings. It felt like he was handing me the remote control to the TV. Unromantic and uncreative--the box wasn't even open so it wasn't even being presented to me. The next morning I decided I couldn't accept under those terms despite my acceptance being a "sure deal." If I did, I felt I would resent starting our life together feeling unhappy and as if he just wanted to get it over with, off-loading the ring onto me.

Over the next month, few opportunities presented themselves to give me the ring. A refurbished conservatory opened near us and we went: nothing. On December 23, we had Christmas dinner at Madrona Manor, a pricey place that I saw online and would have considered as a wedding location (turns out that it was nice, but too pricey, and the layout I don't think would meet our needs). We had a great dinner, sat by the tree in the parlor room, listened to carolers. I thought maybe since this was our X-mas Eve (I was leaving to visit family X-mas Eve night) it would happen then and there. It could have been placed under their tree or in the paws of the stuffed bear or maybe one of the carolers could have introduced it... I know, a bit cheesy, but ...it didn't matter. It didn't happen then.

We got home and boyfriend suggested opening one gift that ngiht like real X-mas Eve. I was psyched. Finally, the ring! But no, it was snowboarding stuff (which I love, too, by the way). I went to bed a little sad. The next morning I got up and he suggested the we open stocking stuff first. I thought, alright! It's in the stocking. But no, nothing in there was box shaped. We opened all of our gifts--including a day planner that I requested--and the last one was a large heavy rectangle.

I lifted the package and said, "Well, this isn't a diamond ring." It was a cookbook that I asked for. But I was sad. Was he waiting until we were at the airport? On NYE? I packed for my trip, and sat on the couch to look through the planner. It wasn't exactly what I had in mind since I wanted it to serve the purpose of keeping appointments for the wedding.

I said, "I was hoping to use the planner for planning our wedding." Boyfriend, who was sitting next to me fiddling with bike gloves, says, "Well, you can't plan a wedding without this." I turn toward him to see an opened ring box. :-) "Would you like to make it official for 2010?"

"Yes." I got a little choked up despite knowing it was coming soon. I said that I was thinking it would have been in the stocking and he said, "Why would Santa be proposing to you?"

Well, I guess not. He's already happily married.