Need to let go

Some people have told me that they know people who planned a wedding and got so frustrated with everything that they just eloped. I'm only three weeks in researching and visiting venues, but I am at that point.

I never imagined when I was younger that I'd elope instead of having a beautiful fall wedding with family and friends. I never imagined that I would have a wedding in an uncertain economic time and without friends and family around either. My childhood vision of a wedding took place in the fall with leaves changing and bright colors serving as the background. I think the reception may have been outside under a big white tent and rented hardwood floors too. That may be a little distorted considering this dream wedding took place on an estate somewhere on the East Coast (so it would be chilly). I didn't imagine getting married in California.

I know now that if I want some friends and family from the East Coast to be at my wedding, I need to change that girl's vision. Now that I am older my friends are older, too. Most are already married with children. Many can't take just any time off (including myself) because of work-related conflicts. I've "polled" folks and summer and early November work for others. November doesn't really work for me. And summer here will mean possibly getting married in a fog bank. But if I am not finding the leaves anyway, what is the point in sticking with autumn?

We had big plans. Or rather I had big plans and dreams. And they are getting smaller by the day. In fact, they look nothing like the wedding I even envisioned a few weeks ago. I'm torn between pleasing myself and pleasing others. Not even with the small stuff--with the time of year of the whole thing. I almost would say I don't want a wedding anymore.

The almost is key. I know I just need to let go of this mythical timeframe of when I want to get married and find the affordable place of my dreams. And let that decide our fate. Maybe it will be available when nobody else can make it. Maybe it will only be available on a weekday in August.